30 Ways to annoy people

  1. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
  2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  3. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
  4. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
  5. Reply to everything someone says with “That’s what YOU think”.
  6. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training”.
  7. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbours upstairs for “violating your airspace”.
  8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.
  9. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  10. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
  11. Finish all your sentences with the words “…in accordance with the prophesy”.
  12. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
  13. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
  14. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
  15. Honk and wave to strangers.
  16. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
  17. Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
  18. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend”.
  19. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now”.
  20. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
  21. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
  22. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
  23. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador”.
  24. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  25. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
  26. Ask people what gender they are.
  27. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
  28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. Like a parakeet.
  29. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
  30. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
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